Funny Marriage Quotes

Funny Marriage Quotes:

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.

Forever and Always

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More Funny Marriage Quotes:

They say love is blind...and marriage is an institution. Well, I'm not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.

A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.

My mother once told me that if a married couple puts a penny in a pot for every time they make love in the first year, and takes a penny out every time after that, they'll never get all the pennies out of the pot.

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

After fifteen years of marriage, my wife wants us to recommit our vows. As a man, I don't understand her need to get married again. We've got our toaster, let's move on.

Marriage

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Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

The total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.

I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.

If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I'd hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

We have found that the best way for our marriage to work is to let me make the big decisions and my wife the small ones. With this system, I'm noticing, there are usually no big ones.

The Marriage of Figaro

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Olbinski, Rafal
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Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?

Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.

A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

What's for dinner is the only question many husbands ask their wives, and the only one to which they care about the answer.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Sex

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Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join.

Alimony: The ransom that the happy pay to the devil.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Women hope men will change after marriage but they don't; men hope women won't change but they do.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.

First Two Husbands

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Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted.

When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.

Car Manufacturer's formula for a successful marriage : Stick to one model!

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

A husband's last words should always be, OK buy it.