Funny Family Quotes:

For Everyone in the Family

These funny family quotes are intended to help us see the humorous side of our families.

The Schitt Family Tree

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Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty'.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family...in another city.

I am an only child. I have one sister.

When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.

There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.

Never brag about your ancestors coming over on the Mayflower; the immigration laws weren't as strict in those days.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

I don't want to say anything about my kids...but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

Never lend your car to someone you've given birth to.

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If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

The family, that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor in our innermost hearts never quite wish to.

Cleaning your house while your children are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

In America there are two classes of travel - first class and with children.

Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Adolescence is when children start to bring up their parents.

Home is the place, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.

In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry'.

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.

Let's face it, there's lots of spoiled kids out there...because you can't spank Grandma.

Adults are just children who earn money.

There's one thing about children - they never go around showing snapshots of their grandparents.

Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.

Mom's Favorite

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Hale, Rachael
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I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible...and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.

I can get up in the morning and look myself in the mirror and my family can look at me too and that's all that matters.

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of the tires.

Family is just accident....They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are.

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children - except in self-defense.

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.

Who Are These Kids

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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.

My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called 'Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film'.

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

Human beings are the only creatures on Earth that allow children to come back home.

We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.